Finding a Voice
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
restore my soul ...
A few weeks ago my friend Ephie Risho wrote this: "I have always thought you would eventually move into some sort of full time creativity." Ephie and I used to do a lot of music together at Regent College, culminating with my arts thesis,* for which I wrote songs and poems and presented them in a concert. Ephie played guitar in the arts thesis band.
Funny -- even after my arts thesis at Regent I didn't imagine myself as a serious artist. Even after all those Paul Stevens classes, I didn't conceive of arts (music, writing) as a vocation, i.e., a defining centre for my life. Rather it was a sideline, a hobby, an add-value extra. But tracking a career in higher education was slowly killing me. I loved my work, I knew it was important, yet my body was gradually becoming less healthy. Even though I wasn't listening to my spirit, it was sending messages through my body that I could no longer ignore.
My initial blog post about this transition ("a new season") doesn't mention physical health, but it's a huge factor that must be acknowledged. I was dealing with an ongoing health issue, and after six weeks finally said, "Okay, God, what is this?" He replied, "You need to take care of yourself." Fair enough. That was Monday, July 3rd. I knew the typical lifestyle changes to make: diet, exercise, rest. Little did I know the lifestyle change around the corner.
The following Thursday, July 6th, I was talking with my mom about the health issue and she said, "Colleen, you need to take care of yourself!" Whoa. It was like hearing the voice of God from Monday. So we started talking about what it should look like to take care of myself, and what would happen if I quit my job. The moment I hung up the phone, the realization crystallized: It's time to go. So I resigned the next day.
A former roommate, Juliet Henderson, used to say, "Colleen, you don't trust yourself enough." In that light, this decision is a big deal.
Initially, resigning was an intuitive decision. The impetus was the need to get healthy. The depth of my need for healing is only now being uncovered.
I want to be whole and integrated, not fragmented and overextended. The things that were "sidelines" before are now front and center. Ignoring interests that are actually needs drains my vitality. It's time to pour in -- or better, to receive living water from the Fountain of Life.
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*"The arts thesis project provides an opportunity for students who have experience in the arts to create and present an original work of art (e.g., a novel, paintings, the writing and performance of music or a play) and to reflect on it theologically. ... The project will be accompanied by a critical essay of 20 to 30 pages engaging in theological and aesthetic reflection on the medium and tradition in which the arts thesis project is done." (http://www.regent-college.edu/prospectus/programs/index.html)
Funny -- even after my arts thesis at Regent I didn't imagine myself as a serious artist. Even after all those Paul Stevens classes, I didn't conceive of arts (music, writing) as a vocation, i.e., a defining centre for my life. Rather it was a sideline, a hobby, an add-value extra. But tracking a career in higher education was slowly killing me. I loved my work, I knew it was important, yet my body was gradually becoming less healthy. Even though I wasn't listening to my spirit, it was sending messages through my body that I could no longer ignore.
My initial blog post about this transition ("a new season") doesn't mention physical health, but it's a huge factor that must be acknowledged. I was dealing with an ongoing health issue, and after six weeks finally said, "Okay, God, what is this?" He replied, "You need to take care of yourself." Fair enough. That was Monday, July 3rd. I knew the typical lifestyle changes to make: diet, exercise, rest. Little did I know the lifestyle change around the corner.
The following Thursday, July 6th, I was talking with my mom about the health issue and she said, "Colleen, you need to take care of yourself!" Whoa. It was like hearing the voice of God from Monday. So we started talking about what it should look like to take care of myself, and what would happen if I quit my job. The moment I hung up the phone, the realization crystallized: It's time to go. So I resigned the next day.
A former roommate, Juliet Henderson, used to say, "Colleen, you don't trust yourself enough." In that light, this decision is a big deal.
Initially, resigning was an intuitive decision. The impetus was the need to get healthy. The depth of my need for healing is only now being uncovered.
I want to be whole and integrated, not fragmented and overextended. The things that were "sidelines" before are now front and center. Ignoring interests that are actually needs drains my vitality. It's time to pour in -- or better, to receive living water from the Fountain of Life.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*"The arts thesis project provides an opportunity for students who have experience in the arts to create and present an original work of art (e.g., a novel, paintings, the writing and performance of music or a play) and to reflect on it theologically. ... The project will be accompanied by a critical essay of 20 to 30 pages engaging in theological and aesthetic reflection on the medium and tradition in which the arts thesis project is done." (http://www.regent-college.edu/prospectus/programs/index.html)
posted by Colleen McCubbin at 12:13 AM
2 Comments:
6 years ago I was on a downward spiral health-wise. Take it from someone who had to work years to get back to health...it's worth it. :)
Thanks, Christy. I do know it's worth it. Sometimes when you're down, it's hard to start getting up ... but here I go!
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