Finding a Voice

Lately it feels like I've been collecting endless scraps from life to crop and trim and shape, to arrange and re-arrange on endless pages; always arranging, never pasting. I haven't quite settled yet, but it's gradually emerging, the layout of my life is gradually taking shape. At this point I'm kind of surviving until after Christmas, unpacking some boxes along the way.

When I arrived in Duval, I launched into a week and a half of helping Jeffrey get ready for his Christmas Open House Sale and started the p/t job at the local weekly newspaper. I was here one weekend after that, then went to Spiritwood to pack my rooms at Mom & Dad's place. Exhausting, but good to get that done and retrieve some belongings.

Came back here that Monday night, unloaded my car, and left again late on Wednesday for my "free" trip to California. The trip was free because it was an incentive for opening a bank account last October. I just paid the taxes & airport fees. I was surprised to be cold there in San Luis Obispo (See Canyon, to be exact), a few hours north of Los Angeles, but it was so good to visit with friends Becky, Jean, and Nicole, and to leave responsibilities behind. I only took carry-on luggage and felt so light. Read 1.5 books by Madeleine L'Engle (Live Coal in the Sea and A Circle of Quiet), wrote quite a few pages in my journal, and just let my spirit rest. Found two books by Wendell Berry at a used bookstore: Jayber Crow and A Place on Earth.

Wendell Berry will probably be my next reading spree—or maybe Eugene Peterson. Hmmm. I'd like to use some of Berry's ideas in the newspaper, even doing some reprints if possible, starting with his 17 rules for a local economy.

Speaking of the newspaper job, I'm quite enjoying it. It's supposed to be part-time at two days a week, but this is the busiest season of the year, so it's been more like three days. At first I thought the job would just be selling ads to local and regional businesses, but it turns out to have a nice balance of reporting as well. So far my reporting subjects have included an art gallery grand opening, a welding program at a regional college, a Remembrance Day service at a public school, a Canadian Foodgrains Bank breakfast, a SADD presentation (Students Against Drunk Driving), a rock concert at the Earl Grey Hotel, a woman who once lived in Strassburg, Russia and now lives in Strasbourg, SK, and an art show/sale.

After my first article (the art gallery), Jeffrey suggested I might need to adopt a less academic writing style for the paper’s mainly rural audience. :):) So, I'm learning to write journalistically. I was a bit reticent to engage that, but I really respect my cousin Heather, who has been in journalism for almost two decades, so that helped. I did a bit of research about journalistic writing, and this quotation especially inspires me: "'I love writing leads; there's poetry in good leads,' said Dodd, 41. 'They are poetic hooks to snag the reader into the story, and it's the one chance you get to really flex a little muscle.'"

That was the first month at the paper. Last week I got a phone call: a key employee quit, and could I double my hours (or more) this week and next? That's 4 or 5 days a week, some with extended hours. So I've expanded into layout and proofreading, too. The fun never ends!

We’re still cutting and pasting onto flats, like yearbooks of old, so it’s a scrapbooker’s dream. We’ll be upgrading our technology in the new year, so that will drastically reduce the cutting and pasting.

As for the reason I came to this area: things are quite good with Jeffrey. I'm still settling in—figuring out how to arrange my room, my desk, my closet; still unpacking boxes and wishing for things that are still in storage at Mom & Dad's. Jeff & I have yet to find our work rhythm, but that will come better after Christmas. For now there's just so much settling to do--not just physically, but in my psyche. I'm faced with so much complexity these days—in ideas, involvments, and material things. No wonder I feel a little overwhelmed once in awhile! I find that when I try to resist that feeling or dwell on it and figure it out, then I get stuck. But if I can acknowledge the feeling of overwhelm and let it pass, my head clears and I can see what needs to happen next. So I do bit by little bit to keep moving forward: making the bed, unpacking a box (or even half a box), washing dishes, sweeping the floor, emptying the cat litter, pricing ceramics.

There's a significant adjustment in learning to live with each other. Jeffrey's been on his own for 10 years. I've had more experience with moving and adapting and living with people. I did have my own home for eight consecutive years at Caronport, though the past year was lots of adjustment. Even so, Jeffrey and I have so many similar interests in arts, food, music, movies, people, etc., and he tells me he appreciates me and loves me, and tells other people he's glad to have me here. Already his energy level seems better. We'll both be glad when the Christmas rush is over—him with making pottery and me with the newspaper. Jeffrey works really hard when he comes home from school and on Saturdays. On Saturday evening night Jeff was loading the big kiln and had such a bad spasm in his back he wasn't sure he could finish. But he soldiered on and then we watched a movie.

Some of the movies we've watched lately:

• The Lake House is cinematically beautiful, with an artful, intricate storyline.
• The Astronaut Farmer is intense, surprising, and lovely.
• Lady in the Water by M. Knight Shamalayan is mysterious, meaningful and critically under-acclaimed; we watched it twice.
• Jackie Chan’s The Myth is a strange, yet enjoyable time-traveling journey.

The paper takes two weeks off at Christmas, so New School Pottery is holding Christmas hours for the 18th through 22nd. We even put an ad in the paper saying, "Bring this ad for a free stocking stuffer." Should be interesting, even enlightening, to see what kind of response we get.

After Christmas Jeff and I need to sit down and do some strategic planning, like setting expectations for my contribution to this operation. (Meals and cleaning are part of that.) Meetings in the pottery studio seem to work well: he throws pots while we talk. Looks like most weeks at the newspaper I won’t work more than three days, leaving Mondays, Thursdays, Saturdays, and evenings for Jeffrey's and my business pursuits. Sundays will be for REST!

I'm loving the church here (Alliance). Immediately I felt welcome and wanted and have had several invitations for involvements. I'm already on one worship team with a request to lead the youth worship team. Looks like I'm being scoped to teach a couple of Sunday School classes, too, but probably won't say yes to those just now.

Last Sunday, we had the most beautiful Communion service. Once a quarter they have Communion in the round, based on Corinthian style; instead of a set program they have open mic sharing and hymn requests. I loved it. Jeffrey stood and formally introduced me to everyone: "You've probably noticed this beautiful woman with me. This is my sister, Colleen. She has come to live with me and help with my business." I had been about to say something, but he jumped up first, so then I kind of had to follow! Again, I feel VERY welcome.

The music ministry is moving forward as well. As you know from my previous post, I was the musical guest at Jeffrey's pottery open house on Saturday, Nov 10th. Sold 6 of my own CDs plus one Designer Genes. On Tuesday I sang at a Ladies' Christmas Night in Imperial, SK, an hour from here. It was lovely. I was more nervous than usual, but it seemed to help the performance. The women were very open, the food was delicious, the decorations were gorgeous, and the ambience was festive yet peaceful.

In February I'll be singing at HeartbeatS, a benefit for OptionS, a crisis pregnancy centre in Regina. Met with one of the coordinators, Monique, on Saturday and came away very excited about being involved. It's a music and auction evening at Western Christian College (formerly Canadian Bible College). Eventually they want it to be a daylong festival. Last year Jeffrey donated pottery for the auction and is planning on doing it again.

After Christmas I'm going to work on setting up regular concerts in churches and houses. I attended a Gospel Music Association conference in Calgary at the end of October and learned a lot there about music ministry/business, so am excited to dig into it. Steve Bell was especially inspiring.

All this past year the Lord has been preparing me for this new season. Even the newspaper puts me in contact with the arts community! Just look at all these lovely pictures and bits of coloured paper being gathered for the pages of my life ...

Labels: books, music, performances, travel, vocation, writing

I'm reading my second book for The Christian Week: Revelations of a Single Woman: Loving the Life I Didn't Expect by Connally Gilliam (Tyndale House Publishers, 2006). It's one of those books that I want to finish to say it's complete, but want to savor and never have it end. I have underlined copiously and will reference this book for a long time to come. It's one of those books that I will buy for other people rather than lending it.

Initially I emailed my rambling thoughts to a host of friends: they were so raw that I'm was not ready to post them on my blog, but I wanted to share this with someone while it was fresh. However, with the many and long responses from both singles and marries, I realized that my review had touched a nerve and that this is a subject which needs a voice.

So, here are some notes about the book:

Thus far, this excerpt has had the deepest impact on me. Perhaps it's because I can imagine Dr. Houston having this conversation with someone. In the context of the excerpt, Connally had been in Vancouver and visited Dr. Houston and his wife for an evening, eating, playing Scrabble, and talking. I have been in their home doing exactly the same things. I played Scrabble with Mrs. Houston once after a breakup. Someone recommended that I call her, so I did. She picked me up, since I didn't have a car, drove me to her home, put out the Scrabble and a pot of tea, and in her lovely motherly and matter-of-fact way helped me to face the fact that reorienting was going to take some time and pain. Here is Connally's encounter with Dr. Houston as he drove her back to her hotel:

"Dr. Houston quietly spoke. 'You've suffered much being single.' I couldn't tell if he was asking me or telling me. ... 'Your mother, too; she has suffered in your singleness.' ... I tightened my stomach, trying to muffle the chord his words had struck.
"'The question, of course,' he continued, 'is how will you suffer? Will you suffer with bitterness or will you suffer prophetically?' O Lord, I don't like how this sounds. 'You see, your generation is experiencing the fallout of a culture profoundly confused about who God is and therefore about what it is to be human and what it is to love. Your relational disappointments and suffering are, sadly, emblematic of the age. ... like the prophets of old, take the pain--which is also the pain of this culture--to the Lord. Seek his heard of love and direction for yourself and for others.'
"In retrospect, it was strange what that conversation with Dr. Houston did to and for me. Somehow, in linking the word 'suffer' to my unintentionally single state, he legitimized something at work in my guts, some pain that I wanted to avoid for very good reasons. ... in calling it 'suffering,' he was legitimizing a part of me that did ache at sleeping alone every night. And the simple acknowledgment--having the ache compassionately seen and known by another--did its own quiet, little miracle. Something in my guts unclenched.
"More than that, however, Dr. Houston's words flipped my why question on its head and left me asking, What now? How then should I live? I wasn't sure what living prophetically meant (images of wild-haired, wide-eyed, angry men cam to mind), but I knew at minimum it meant living in the truth. It meant admitting that the confusion plaguing me (and so many of the men and women around me) was real and not easily navigated. It meant owning my unmet desires and the related disappointment. And it also meant holding on to and holding up the goodness and the realness of God in the midst of it. Dr. Houston's words about suffering prophetically had felt like a gut-level punch. But in reality, they were more like the compassion-induced Heimlich maneuver, freeing me to live.
"For today I am called to be single. I cannot say about tomorrow." (pp130-131)

Dr. Houston is the founding prinicipal of Regent College in Vancouver. My first encounter with him was in taking a class at Briercrest Seminary. Then, in my first year as a student at Regent, I was in his community group, which was much like a group therapy session, with occasional social events. That same year I dated a lovely guy who was very wrong for me and we had a few "spiritual direction" sessions with Dr. Houston, who told me that a relationship is a catalyst not unlike conversion.

Dr. Houston and his wife Rita are a delightful Scottish couple. He is soft and ruminant, a stereotypically absent-minded professor. She is brusque and practical and keeps a very clean and homey house. They are perfect together.

Connally's writing is descriptive but not overdone with metaphors, skillfully paced. Her grade 12 English teacher warned the class, in so many words, that "Sarcasm isn't a wit substitute" (124). Well, Connally is witty, without stooping to sarcasm. Oh, she admits the temptation to be sarcastic, but she gracefully sidesteps it.

Cathartic. Several times I wept with relief that someone was articulating my experience, or because the book dredged up (expunged?) things that I had buried. I laughed too, at the comic relief Connally provides. I cried with Connally (ch.16), felt awkward with her at the New Year's party where she was embarrassed to be the only single, "the remainder," laughed with her at ___ ... I'm curious. I wish I had the money to buy up several copies and distribute them to single friends to see if they have similar emotional responses. It's true, as Amy Taylor writes in her endorsement, "Every friend, relative, and pastor of a single woman should read Revelations of a Single Woman." But hold on. If you're married or the parent of an unintentionally single woman, please do not buy this book and give it to her without reading it, especially if you feel any pity for her. Buy it for yourself. Read it. Let it inform your relationship, and if you give it to her, let her know how it affected you. Do not judge this book by its cover. "Do you really want to know what it's like to be living (and really trying to love) a life you didn't expect?" asks Amy Taylor. "Read this book. This is what it's like."

Realistic. We all know that cliche, "The grass is greener on the other side," and we all know with our heads that the grass isn't necessarily greener. But the other side of the fence is still the other side and, for better or for worse, it seems like most people are over there, which can leave the unintentionally single person feeling pretty isolated, even defective. Even my divorced friends and relatives got to try being on the other side. I keep getting stuck between the rails and hung up on the barbed wire in trying to get across.

Being unintentionally single can leave a woman wondering if there's something wrong with her ... or if there's something wrong with single men. Or both.

Connally is very honest about her desire for a husband. What she doesn't dwell on is the biological clock. desire for children. In her equation, children are a matter of course: you get married, have kids. Or perhaps they're a moot point. In any case, she doesn't dwell on them. In my equation, they were the deal breaker, because I was anxious for children and did not want to imagine bearing them without a husband (unlike my friend who visited a sperm bank and came out with delightful twin boys born on my birthday). One can be married without children, but it's ideal to be married with children. It wasn't until I exposed to the air my raw wound of grief over not having children that I freed from my desperation to be married. Marriage can come at any time in life; children cannot -- and I had never wanted to get married post-menopausal. If I can release the suffocating desire for children to the Lord, and the perceived timeline that constricts my planning, then I am free to pursue any direction.

The problem is, I don't actually want to pursue any direction. What I want is the definition of having a husband. Even if that husband were to die early into the marriage, somehow it feels preferable, more acceptable, to trade the grief of longing for the grief of loss.

I had a dream that a friend's boyfriend planned an elaborate proposal, culminating at a Middle Eastern restaurant with a big group of friends. I conspired with him over the details, but in the end other people with lesser roles were allowed to watch, but I was excluded from witnessing the event. It felt like a slap in the face and left my stomach feeling vacant, in spit of the pile of yummy foreign food on my tray. I felt insignificant, even while congratulating them with my best cheerfulness.

See if you can find this book ...

Labels: books, identity, life

You really really would like these sisters. When I returned from working at the home care office yesterday, I got into a wide-ranging conversation with them. They know how to work hard, but they also love conversation, especially about the Lord. I had noticed that their car is a Mercury Mystique Sport and mentioned that it is a fitting car for two energetic mystics! Sr. Therese demured that in the past two months, with packing and moving, it has been hard to be "mystique," but they are thankful that the Lord is always with them. I noted Brother Lawrence with Jesus among the pots and pans. Then I asked if they had read Henri Nouwen and their eyes lit up and they almost melted. Each of them has about 4 Nouwen books on the go. Sr. Therese is currently reading Here and Now; Life of the Beloved; and Spirituality for Laypeople. Sr. Bernadette reads him in French and is currently reading about the Eucharist.

Mom & Dad invited them for supper last night and, sharing a simple meal of homemade bread and turkey soup, our conversation was pure fellowship. I asked about their decisions to enter vocational life and why Sisters of the Presentation of Mary. They have two older sisters (92 and 85) who belong to Sisters Adorers of the Precious Blood, a contemplative order in St. Hyacinth, QC. (Their mother also joined "Precious Blood" after their father died.) The bottom line is that they both wanted to give themselves completely and actively to the Lord.

Near the end of our supper, Sr. Therese marvelled at the goodness of God and how he orders our steps, particularly that they moved into this building during Unity Week! They are very ecumenical, preferring to focus on commonalities rather than divisions.

Sister Therese and Sister Bernadette are a tremendous gift to us already. And they love my cats.

Labels: books, calling, vocation

This book review was published in The Christian Week, an established Canadian newspaper. Christianity.ca contacted me (unsolicited) for permission to reprint it on their website, so here it is!

Enjoy!

Labels: books, work, writing

Wow -- has it really been a month and a half since my last post? So much has happened. I wrote a very long post already, but one false move wiped it all away. When will I learn to copy such things to the clipboard before navigating to another window??? Here are highlights from the past 6 weeks and some previews of things to come ...

- found some needed rest. Need now to establish some good rhythms -- too many late nights already! Mom and I are night owls.

- set up a website that I'm ready to launch: www.siretona.com.

- spoke at a college & career retreat in Alberta for a group from Brentview Baptist (Calgary). My friend Lamb came from Ontario to help with that. Really good weekend. Sold a few CDs.

- gave a Norwex demonstration at Caronport on Thurs., Oct. 12th. Seemed like quite a good show. One of the bookings will be down the road in Mortlach, and the other booking is happening right now -- a catalogue show in California! (With the free Westjet flight from my new Scotia Bank One account maybe I can fly down and follow up in person!)

- led worship with Mom, Aunt Linda, & Dawn Mundell for a ladies' retreat at Arlington Beach Camp last weekend. Wrote my first song of this new season. The speaker, Janice Dearing, had written the words and showed them to my Mom who handed them to me. I looked at them Saturday evening and woke up the next morning with an idea, picked up my guitar, and the tune came quite easily with a little tweaking to make the words into lyrics. I recorded (sketched) it on my cell phone and later was listening walked onto the stage. Gave the women a good laugh explaining why I was on the phone!

- left the retreat a bit early to attend the memorial service for my friend and colleague, Shantelle Almeida. Can hardly believe she's gone. I was on MSN Messenger with her just a couple of weeks ago. She received a clean bill of health at the end of August -- not a trace of cancer in her body. Then an aneurysm took her a few days after Thanksgiving. Life is but a breath. Sigh. Shantelle may have been "promoted to glory," but her loved ones are left to cope without her ...

- stayed in Caronport until Wednesday morning. Started feeling unwell on Monday at noon. Resisted it at first, then sensed the Lord telling me that with the busyness of the previous week my body and soul needed time to rest and shift gears. So I relaxed into it and took the afternoon off. Visited some friends that evening. Tuesday morning I asked the Lord to organize my day, bringing the right people across my path at the right times, and he sure did that. Of course there are people I couldn't see or spend much time with, but overall I was satisfied with the trip.

- have been finishing books. I'm a great nibbler, reading a chapter here and there, with not much fiction in my literary diet. But with the new space in my life I've been reading books from cover to cover. So far I would highly recommend all of them. On Saturday I finished A Town Like Alice by Nevil Shute, set in England, Malaya (aka Kuala Lumpur), and Australia. It was so compelling I didn't want to put it down and so beautiful I never wanted it to end. Apparently the movie is well done, so I'll borrow it and other books by Shute from the local library. Of course, now I want to go to Australia. In early September I read For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn and found it quite illuminating on the subject of men.

- got in on the beginning of a book sale at the library on Wednesday morning! Life couldn't be better. Discovered a copy of For Women Only (with study guide in it) at the Briercrest library sale -- for only one dollar! Also discovered a copy of Sealed Orders by Agnes Sanford for only 25 cents. Loved this book when I first read the library copy, then found a used copy somewhere, then lent it to my cousin Denise and haven't received it back yet. Now Denise can keep a copy and I'll have my own again.

- spent Wednesday afternoon in Regina with my cousin Marilou (lunch) then my Aunt Sherry (coffee & dinner). Stayed that night in Saskatoon with Janina and saw Melanie the next day before coming back to Spiritwood.

- wrote a c.v., collected some references, and have applied for some jobs in the area of arts and culture. We'll see what comes of it. I've registered with www.elance.com and would like to try bidding on some of the jobs there. Funny -- feel a bit daunted by that!

- need to finish the bulk of my thesis by November 7th. Brad Doerkson, the librarian at Caronport, has been more than generous with my due dates, but Nov 7th is my cut off! Tough to go from two month borrowing terms and unlimited renewals as a faculty member to two weeks as a seminary student, with only 3 renewals allowed. Will have to set the fiction aside for a bit ...

- tomorrow 8 or 9 Briercrest students will arrive to help with outreach at Witchekan Lake First Nation. In August Mom and Dad hosted a summer missionary with Child Evangelism Fellowship to do 5-Day Clubs in local towns. Mom had Witchekan on her heart for this, and when she made inquiries the doors opened more easily than she could have imagined. Then, wouldn't you know it, the missionary, Jennifer, was a First Nations girl from Prince Albert! They held clubs in 3 towns and on the first day had no kids in Spiritwood, about a dozen kids in Leoville, and about 37 at Witchekan. By the end of the week they had 98 people on their contact list including 3 moms and 5 teens. So the Briercrest team will help us with follow-up, holding an after-school club for kids and some noon-hour and weekend activities for teens.

Well, that's an update for now. I'll try to be better ... but don't hold your breath. Seems like it's feast or famine on this blog!

Labels: Arlington Beach, books, friends, jobs, life, Norwex, outreach, performances, retreats, Shantelle, website